The captian

I believe in true love.  I believe in fairy tales and happy endings and prince charming.  Go ahead, call me naive, I dare you.  
I just know that when you kissed me that night under the street light you sucked out all the poison and brought me back to life with a gasp.  
Life is a fairy tale, except I seem to be both princess and wicked witch.
I will have my happy ending, I will have my happily ever after.
When I cease to believe that, I cease to exists as myself at all.
So be my Prince Charming, please.  
Do it soon, before they take me into the forest to carve out my heart.

Lost

So here's the thing...

I've lived for 19 years, almost 20-and I really thought that I knew myself.  And I did, know part of myself at least.  But now I know that at least part of that was a lie.  Because I don't know the person that I am now, sitting here at 2:48 am with no more tears and no more heart.  My lost connections are everywhere; I have effectively alienated everyone I care about.  My fault, all my fault.  And Now, Now, I just want to go back.  Back to the kids on the street, the festivals and the nick-names; walks in the city, talk about chivalry and goodness.  Back to a simpler time when friends didn't come and go but stayed for a lifetime.  Back to swallowing my pride and watching TV sneakily through the window of a bar.  

Back to Invisible Girl. 

Because Invisible Girl had friends, good ones.  They would and will do anything, everything for her-because Invisible Girl exists only when others need her to.  The rest of the time she can happily be part of the scenery.  But now I'm something new, this created caricature.  She is not me and I will never be her.  So please, tell me how to make her go away.  I want to be Invisible Girl again with no love but no loss either.

Lvoe

And then, sometimes we just need to jump a little...

And fall.

And believe that yes, it will turn out right in the end.

And now our bodies are the guilty ones

Mis-take [mi-steyk] noun, verb

-noun

1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, ect.

2. a misunderstanding or misconception

3. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand, misinterpret.

-verb

4. to be in error

Dictionary definition.  Yup, it applies.  I can claim, of course, that the mistake was caused by "insufficient knowledge" and that it was just a "misunderstanding," "misconception..."

-You knew what you were doing, how could you, could you do this to me? A blank sad stare....

But really.  You're just evaluating the situation wrongly, I mean, look at it from my point of view..

-Yeah.  You're point of view.  It's hard, I know, to call all the shots...

I'm sorry.  I was wrong.  My error.  My mistake.

-Damn right; your mistake.

 

Before, this dialogue was a figment, imagination and what ifs.  It seems so easy, so close to becoming real now.  A walk across a hanger bay, upstairs, and mistakes are slipped into an otherwise peaceful existence.  The worst part-feeling no guilt.  Instead comfort, happiness, warmth.  Being cozy, truly cozy.  And yes, I can pretended that I am calling the shots, that I know what I'm doing-because I know that my true argument will never hold up; I cannot help being happy.  I must be happy.  Hurting people is so easy, when it's in the pursuit of your own contentedness.  This is what scares me.

On Words Beginning either "L"

Life can be so g-damn confusing sometimes.  Well, all the time.  And words, words make it all worse.  I mean we put so much importance behind words, we let them dictate our lives.  For instance, one little four letter word, starts with an "L," bet you can guess which I'm talking about...people say it or don't say it, like it's going to change life or something.  And sometimes it does change life, make it all more complicated; but really-it's just a word.

So I'm a romantic, or supposed to be I guess.  But some days, sometimes I'm really ready to take my romantic ideas and throw them out the window.  Setting people up to believe in simple things like "love..."  nothing simple about it.  But I know that I would plod outside, dust it off and try to put the gold-leafed pages back to order.

So here's my confession: I'm a romantic, born in the wrong millennia completely, who is not in love in the least and who is beginning to get a jaded view of that subject.  So, back to the books for me, to re-inspire some belief in all of this.  

It's silly, really....

I mean I have no reason to write a diary.  Seriously, I don't plan on telling very many people it exists.  Seems so cliche, a blog for a confused girl.  But I've never figured out what was so bad about cliche anyway, so I guess it's all relative.  If you're looking for an example of great writing or insight, well I'm sorry (I'm really not, you're going to have to deal...)  Don't know how much of the truth or depth will be involved, it seems both things are very prone to cause trouble sooner or later. 

 So I'm silly I guess; silly for writing what no one will read, silly for being worried about trouble caused if people do read it...just silly.  Silly is OK for now though.