Lost

So here's the thing...

I've lived for 19 years, almost 20-and I really thought that I knew myself.  And I did, know part of myself at least.  But now I know that at least part of that was a lie.  Because I don't know the person that I am now, sitting here at 2:48 am with no more tears and no more heart.  My lost connections are everywhere; I have effectively alienated everyone I care about.  My fault, all my fault.  And Now, Now, I just want to go back.  Back to the kids on the street, the festivals and the nick-names; walks in the city, talk about chivalry and goodness.  Back to a simpler time when friends didn't come and go but stayed for a lifetime.  Back to swallowing my pride and watching TV sneakily through the window of a bar.  

Back to Invisible Girl. 

Because Invisible Girl had friends, good ones.  They would and will do anything, everything for her-because Invisible Girl exists only when others need her to.  The rest of the time she can happily be part of the scenery.  But now I'm something new, this created caricature.  She is not me and I will never be her.  So please, tell me how to make her go away.  I want to be Invisible Girl again with no love but no loss either.